This is a short teaser text for the coming novel TribeLeader – Violence, Sex & Fatherhood (title may change).
It was an evening at the end of July, when I realized it finally.
Every day, I wake up with inner emptiness.
I’ve had made this observation before, but consistently blamed it as psychological heritage of a youth spent as outcast with an emotional hole and a neglected sense of sexual self.
But what, if waking up with emptiness is something typical for any man? What, if this is even written in structures of the male brain? Adam fell asleep, before Eve got created. After he woke up, he had forgotten, that she was part of him. What if this small story should simply explain, why men usually have not the slightest spark of awareness, that their outside world is simply a reflection of their inside? What if this mechanism, that in archaic times may have driven a male to leave his mother group to seek other females to copulate with, has been haunting humanity the past 12’000 years – namely since that fatal break in history, where men stopped hunting & gathering and did not wake up anymore between a tribe of semi-naked, perma-horny women? It is known, that the lack of the presence of women and children cause a lack of a man’s estrogen-production, which otherwise would counter-balance the aggressiveness-inducing testosterone. While it’s proven, that testosterone itself doesn’t make aggressive, it can re-inforce the sense of lacking something, which indeed does.
The subconscious male psyche expects waking up surrounded by horny women and children’s laughter. It only makes sense, that in modern times, where the average man at best is lying next to a semi-attractive wife with a rusted sex drive, the male subconscious automatically kicks in the get-out-and-hunt program. Something’s lacking. Something’s missing. Something needs to change. So go out and change it.
It would explain, why men kinda are in need of a routine job – an activity, where they can get their illusion of purpose, pride, fullness or whatever. It would explain, why men forced to stay at home (just look at the pandemic cases) show a significant increase of domestic violence. Because they can’t get out and change something. They have to go with the unsatisfying status quo. And it would explain, why men above a certain age often get calmer & more content in life. Not because they’d have found inner wisdom like it’s popular to propagate, but because their sex drive isn’t haunting them anymore to leave the house. Just look at monks and old men, how peaceful abstinence can look like.
What the heck does „fullness“ even mean.
Yeah. Maybe we begin better with the concept of „emptiness“, which is so familiar to me, that it feels much more natural to wake up in this state than anything else. Emptiness tells you, that you have to change something. Maybe yourself. Maybe your environment. Maybe the people around you. Whatever it is, it tells you things can’t stay the same.
Fullness is the contrary – it is complete contentness with what is. It means waking up and being grateful for everything, just for the sake of simple existence. It means not leaving the house, because one needs to or feels obliged to do so, it means adding value to the life around out of inner creational power & joy. Because one wants to.
Why was I even thinking about emptiness & fullness in the first place? Maybe because I located the root for my daily discontentment in the way I approach my mornings. Maybe, because the feeling of emptiness drives me to work & sweat hard for earning money, yet seems to cause so much destructive trouble throughout the day. Maybe because I recognized, that our soul-identity should rather scoop out of fullness-awareness instead of the self-image defined over body & appearance.
Sounds pretty hippie, huh?
I can’t deny, that terms like fullness or consciousness have been in broader use more in alternative or esoteric circles than amongst scholars. But at the beginning of the third decade of the second millennia, there is a rising number of down-to-earth scientists, who advocate for the consideration of alternative concepts for describing reality than the physical-mechanical paradigm. I’d like to mention Jon Freeman or Ken Wilber for example, who did brilliant analyses revolving around human consciousness evolution. Once you begin to dive into the matter, things can’t get unseen.
For me, it’s out of question, that the consciousness of an individual forms his reality. It is no wonder then, when I woke up every day of my life with a belief of lack inside me, that my actual finances & outer circumstances showed a poor development over the years. What did I expect? That when I work harder – when I believe even stronger in lacking something – I will generate a surplus? This isn’t, how reality works. This isn’t, how real masculinity works.
Yet so much men think, that they have to hustle hard until they drop, conquer more and more till eternity and work on accumulating mountains of wealth, so when they finally die after a life of sweat & work, they can leave the world with a 8-figure bank account. For real?
There may be other men, it must go into billions throughout history, who daily get up to „fulfill their duty“, may it be for fatherland or family. Gaining pride in getting the shit done that is needed to get done. Sacrificing themselves to create a better world. Is it the world, which is bad and needs to become better or is it the men?
And there are others to which I count myself, who believe they have to achieve something in order to feel fulfilled, powerful – worthy. I just never knew, what exactly it was, that I needed to achieve. All I knew was, that it had to do with my personal value. My sexual value. And here we have it grabbed directly by the balls, our issue; my primal instincts telling me, that I have to get out & mount new women made me do stuff that I didn’t really want to do all my life just for, well, feeling worthy to get selected by the women I was predestined to impress. Which, so by the way, never happened, because as we all know, we don’t live in Paleolithic free-sex-for-all times anymore.
Great. I’ve been born with a psyche, that keeps me running all the time without ever getting satisfied.
At least, I understand now, why the monogamic marriage is such a crucial institution for any conventional society. If you have literal masses of men being driven to run in circles like hamsters for producing a slice of self-worth & testosterone, then better guarantee them a woman they can abreact daily or you risk decay & street violence. Think I’m exaggerating? Just look at the average school shooter; male & with a psychogram showing severely neglected sexuality. It is no secret, that excessive violence often correlates with a lack of sexual satisfaction on the subsurface level.
I don’t wonder the slightest anymore, why I had the drive to become an elite soldier for about the literal half of my life. Where the male sexual self feels suppressed or unsatisfied, the testosterone-estrogen equation goes out of balance and the man seeks what in order to get in peace with his ferocity? Violence. War. The fight. Let me quickly reflect:
• At 15 I joined the pre-assessment for the elite paratrooper unit
• At 16 I began taking martial arts classes
• At 19 I made my graduation work about preparation for the army
• At 20 I joined the Swiss Infantry Grenadiers
• At 22, I began to work in private security
• At 24, I made plans to join the civil war in Syria
• At 25, I began to develop my own combat training system
• At 28, I applied the second time for the police forces
• At 29, I gave self defense training myself
And what had driven me all those years? V-I-O-L-E-N-C-E. Bloodthirst.
Okay, we now have to dismantle something here. The fascination for violence isn’t bad per se. In my opinion and against all today’s postmodern ridiculous attempts to condemn every small swearword or fight at the school ground, I regard the readiness for deadly violence as something essentially important for any man. Let that sink in and feel offended, if you like.
Our ancestors have been skilled hunters and killers during hundreds of thousands of years, yet lived in the most prosperous and peaceful societies humanity has ever seen. Wars occured in history for the first time, once an artificial government claimed occupying the only executive force and suppressed individual freedom. I’m not talking about the US with their weapon laws, I’m talking about Sumer, Egypt, Babylonia and almost every organized society since then up to 2021. But our actual hunter-gatherer-forefathers have been weapon wearing for a long, long time and not without reason: Only if all are armed, noone can claim superiority over others and so-called fierce egalitarianism gets enforced. Those patterns are deep, deep inside every man’s brain. To neglect man’s need for carrying a weapon or training himself in martial skills means robbing him of the profoundest male power source of all: The awareness, that he will survive when things go bad, no matter what.
This very primal consciousness of male ferocity and killing-readiness is undeniably essential to provide a man with a basic sense of safety and self-power. I must admit, that I have a hard time truly respecting men who haven’t spent at least some years in martial arts training or similar.
Maybe this is one of the reasons, why I always somehow looked down at the regular father stereotype. Most men and especially most fathers out there can’t defend themselves and radiate somewhat of helpless potatoes. Ever witnessed 40something’s with their breed at the playground? Most appear clumsy and cringy, insecure and ridiculous at best, let’s be honest here. Most fathers don’t know, if they should act like the stoic rock guarding their proteges or re-awaken their inner child to join the kid’s play and end up in the awkward space in between. Seen that. Been there. And surely as hell, hardly any of those creatures would approximately survive a sudden war or violent uprise. How on earth would you defend yourself against an attack, when you’re holding your kid’s hands? Children make a man vulnerable, and our ancestors knew that, so they cleverly denied the concept of fatherhood completely. They were free from a burden, that haunted me over my entire life: Fear of vulnerability.
Quiz question: Does a father get up feeling more fulfilled than a non-father? Doubt that. Statistics show, that man’s testosterone goes down as soon as his first child gets born, which has to do with a subconscious bonding and „taming“ mechanism. Does that mean, fathers are in general more content with their lives? Doubt that. Isn’t it a classical stereotype by now, that married men & especially fathers lament over their declining sex life? How many sad but true jokes have I witnessed from husbands in mature age, who mock about their wives to desperately hide their grief over the loss of sex. It is a fact, that the average couple intercourse rate starts to sink after some months and the glorious child birth event is called a regular killer for romance time.
Great. You’re blessed with a wife for a lifetime and some small, screaming beings that expect you to hustle everyday until your hair gets lighter. And as a thank you, you still wake up every morning somehow empty but driven, to change something of which you not even know what exactly it is.
Do pickup-artists get up more fulfilled than married men? I remember my single years, when I sought masculine satisfaction not in the sultry art of love-making, but rather in the sheer numbers of women who regarded me as „worthy“. Here we are back again at this ominous „sexual value“ and it’s flighty nature. The boost of successful conquest may still keep you in a mental high the next morning, when the physical feelings of a nightly orgasm already have vanished hours ago. Pickup literature recommends, to use this fresh wave of testosterone and the hormonal evaporation of sex, to nail the next prey as quickly as possible. „Quick, cement your self-image as a Casanova as rapidly as possible, before you fall back again into your masturbation down-spiral.“ Yeah, it’s proven, that outer successes give us a great feeling and with consistency & time, create a new image of ourselves as achievers and winners. You surely gain more confidence after having bedded the 1000st woman. Is that, what we seek? A sense of a complete self-picture of outer validation?
I don’t want to euphemize nothing here. Sexuality is a matter of lack in today’s world, regardless the millions of pornography websites or mass media over-sexualization, which just supports the problem in getting worse than better. Men get ridiculed for always being horny and seeking only „one thing“ – called penis-driven beings with more brain power in their balls than in the actual space between the ears. Oh, how far-spread this stereotype is, nowadays one almost has to feel ashamed for being born with a dick. But for all those raging feminazis out there, who would erase the existence of men completely if they could, you shouldn’t forget, that it was actually our female ancestor’s, who contributed to man’s excessive sexuality evolution.
Yes, you read right. Human’s massive dick size could only grow that large, because our foremothers were so up to group bangs over hundreds of thousands of years (maybe even multiplied by factor 10), that the men found themselves in permanent sexual competition which evolutionarily favoured big penises. Male brain structures literally co-evolved with the experience of tons of sexual arousal, stimuli & orgasms. Some scientists even suggest, that human’s extraordinary brain size grew that large in the first place, because our ancestors had such a wild sex life.
Guess what, this type of brain we still carry around with us in 2021.
Although the average brain size is smaller than in hunter-gatherer times, the areas, which chain a man’s subconscious self-image to sexual successes, don’t seem to be affected from that shrinking. At least I felt sexually unfulfilled all my life. And looking at the massively increasing numbers of porn consumption, neither do most men on this planet. This fact can’t even get changed by entering a committed relationship or a marriage, which not seldom is a poor subconscious attempt to secure access to at least one sex partner. Divorce & cheating rates are as high as never before and I must admit, that the sought after sexo-emotional fullfilment had me doing shit in the past I wouldn’t recommend anyone to do. Let me quickly summarize:
• I got used to masturbation since the age of 10
• I dumped the best girlfriend I’ve ever had for the sake of hunting boring pussy
• The mother of my children dumped me because I was too much of an asshole
• I was ravaging chicks in reckless pump & dump style
• I overcame porn addiction very fuckin’ late in my life
• Even in our marriage, I tried to enforce changes
… Not to mention a handful of dark secrets of mine that I decided the world doesn’t need to know.
Have I been/am I a sex addict? Hell no, seeking that hormone rush and trying everything possible to repeat the process that led to sex is literally, how the male brain is wired. But it wasn’t the simple flooding with orgasmic hormones, that I was looking for. It was more like I was seeking something nobody could really give me. Nobody but myself.
While all the other guys in school slowly discovered their urges to bully around, yelling and fighting and impressing the girls, 12 year old me did everything to avoid getting into aggressive clashes and to suppress the subconscious upwelling of romantic feelings. I rather preferred to be left alone, a pattern, that never changed from 9 until the age of 30.
Was it, because I grew up in a christian family, where sexuality always has been an uncomfortable taboo topic and my mom used to frame me as a nice & faithful boy? Was it, because amongst all the adults, whether in my family or the church-men, I never found a model of a primal-power embodying fatherrole? Was it, because my absolutely natural, testosterone-induced fascination for weapons & action games since a young age caused my parents to deny this ferocious side within their only son, because it scared’em?
It is said, that by the age of 8, we begin to cement our beliefs & worldviews about ourselves. What surely got cemented around this age, was the convincement, that something inside me was bad. The devil is inside all of us, one get told in sunday school. It is no wonder to me, that I kept desperately hidden my „dark“ side all my life. Jungians know, that the so-called shadow is nothing but your suppressed other half and it appears dark in our minds, because we’re too scared to ever put light on it. When I was alone with myself, those were the only occassions, where I became myself’s best company. But in presence of others, I had to play a role that became more & more a second skin.
„Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive.“
– Jim Carrey
Funny, that this quote stems from the mouth of one of the most extrovert-appearing jesters of Hollywood. But the surface doesn’t always reveal the sometimes gruesome truth beneath.
I know for myself, that I always favoured solitude. The cold and darkness surrounding me became more of a familiar home to me than the presence of even my closest friends, wife or children ever could. Solitude. Emptiness. Up till today, I still daydream sometimes, to completely disappear from human society, die in some random warzone and vanish forever in the void. Not, that this would be, what I really, really want.
The last years challenged me with several occassions, where the torments in my head wanted to get ended once and forever. Each time, I sat down, draw my tanto-knife and stared at the unfolded blade lying on the floor in front of me. Cold iron never lies.
I told myself, that I had the right to commit seppuku – suicide – at any time, whenever I wanted to. This immediately shut off all my thoughts, because, you know, your false ego is afraid of dying, whereas your heart is not.
After a while of meditation to the ultimate embracement of the kiss of death, I said to myself No, this isn’t what I came to life for and folded my knife again. I continued sitting alone in the dark room, hearing only my breaths and feeling the air moving in and out of my lungs. Nothing forces you into the raw present moment more than the prospect of leaving the carnal live behind forever and diving into eternity. To finally dissolve into emptiness. Or into fullness?
It’s not unlikely, that those two are actually even the same. Consciousness of complete emptiness equals abundant fullness, a truth buddhists use to meditate daily about. A truth, that drives a man to seek the infinitesimal point between life and death in the combat man-to-man, the almost nonexistent but still very real line between everything and nothing in harsh lonesomeness with oneself and finally, the surreal moment of unity of the opposites in the mind-shaking event called sexual orgasm.
Since that day in July, I never woke up in emptiness again.
We are already fullness. But some of us just have to re-discover it.
This is a short teaser text for the coming novel TribeLeader – Violence, Sex & Fatherhood.